(Movie Night) Kung Fu Hustle Review

Written by: Ice Cold Tabasco

Kung Fu Hustle is one to THE greatest movies I have ever seen.

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I feel I’ve sufficiently established myself as a video game critic, so naturally, I’ve decided to post a movie review. Honestly, yes I will primarily be reviewing video games, but, I felt so compelled to write this that I could hardly contain myself.

Kung Fu Hustle is one to THE greatest movies I have ever seen. There is no hyperbole, I’m confident in the fact that if I were to ever put out a “Best Movies of All Time” list, this would in the top ten, if not the top FIVE. There is just so much that this movie does so right, that it does so well, that I found myself constantly repeating the same, singular phrase of, “This is amazing!” while, LITERALLY on the brink of tears from the sheer joy that is Kung Fu Hustle. This film's greatest triumphs is what many others of its kind fail to do, establish its mood and maintain that atmosphere through the entire thing.

From the get go you're bombarded by over the top, hilarious, and cartoony shit that it’s impossible to mistake this for a anything other that a comedy. Where movies like Kill Bill tend to confuse the audience by having seemingly conflicting feels, Kung Fu Hustle never makes a mistake in this department. While, yes, there is some mild drama to drive the plot, it never drowns out the sort of spontaneous and impossible world that it places you in. You will constantly scratching you head at some of the superhuman feats that are accomplished here, albeit in a good way (if that's at all possible).

Fight scenes are SO GOOD!

That’s actually a great way to describe the FANTASTIC fight scenes in this film, super-FUCKING-human. Though I hate to make the comparison, the action sequences are reminiscent of the generic anime crap, save being FAR from crap. There is so much style and visual flair and creative direction and character- AHH, it's hard not to love! Your jaw will be permanently glued to your foot at how amazing the fight scenes are here, they fail to be hindered by the rather dated CGI that over seventy five percent are made by. You have old land ladies shouting people’s clothes to shreds, limbs flying off from a recently tossed hatchet, heads pummeled (LITERALLY) into floors, and people turning into GODDAMNED FROGS. While all this may sound a contradictory of my last statement, once you see this film, it will all become clear.

While the SFX department and choreographers deserve literal tons of praise, I refuse to let that pesky story get away. While it isn’t anything that would be considered oscar worthy, it has the right amount of intentional cheese, great characters, and writing. There is a lot to love with how this move plays out, especially with the heroes and villains that sprout up. While not the highlight, the story manages to hold up the movie one hundred percent.

There's really nothing I can harp this movie on, other than its dated CGI with I have granted exception due to its age. Its a grand kung fu spectacle that will enthrall you in it's impossible, comical and fantastic world. A must have to any ones collection, digital or otherwise.

★★★★★

Five Stars

Must Own

BioShock: Infinite - Burial at Sea: Episode One Review

Written by: Ice Cold Tabasco

After playing it, the only way I can sum up the entire experience is IMMENSELY disappointing.

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Oh dear god…

Look, I have a deep love for the BioShock franchise, with the first nearly ranking as my favorite game of all time. I even picked up System Shock 2 a few days ago and I’m having a ball with it. So I went into the first episode of Infinite’s Burial at Sea optimistic. I had high hopes that it would invoke the same sense of mystery and intrigue, all wrapped up with Infinite’s solid combat in a two to three hour experience. 

Presentation is everything.

After playing it, the only way I can sum up the entire experience is IMMENSELY disappointing. While it does manage to sustain interest early on, giving you glimpse of what the writers had in mind for the DLC. It is swiftly buried under the frustrating play styles it attempts to blend into a coherent whole, being the more old school BioShock (being a resource management shooter) and Infinite's more modern style (more tactical;ammo aplenty). So you are able to carry more than one weapon, akin to the first BioShock. I quite like this approach, having all your weapons at your disposal is virtually always a good idea, but has the habit of over powering the player.

So to compensate, ammo is scarce, alla BioShock. While this can benefit the challenge of a game, here it is just unfair. Playing on the hardest difficulty, Burial at Sea will bend you over repeatedly, as running dry on a murder frenzy is inevitable and infuriatingly frequent. There is no Dark Souls-esque challenge here, it’s ones futile attempt to try and swim through a sea barbed wire. You might gain some ground, but the accumulative blood loss will stop you every, FUCKING, TIME. 

Having only three bullets to take out the opposition happens more often then you'd think.

There is no strategy, there is no way around it, you will possibly suffer brain hemorrhage from how often you will die. If you’re going to endeavor to pick this game up, putting it on Medium difficulty might lessen the frustration, but I wouldn't place any bets on it.

The story is also a dribbling mess, with a more mature, grown Elizabeth essentially seeking revenge on what is supposedly the final Comstock, the antagonist of the main game. The whole thing is just dull, with the twist at the end only invoking the question, “Why was any of this necessary?”. While, yes, it might as well be required that the first part of something have a cliffhanger,but, it's so poorly done here that the only satisfaction that you receive is from finishing the bloody thing.

So yeah, Episode One a complete mess with little to bring to the table narratively, and delivers broken combat ontop of it. I even found it to be a tad on the short side. Ultimately, just skip it, and spring for the second episode. Which is HOPEFULLY, proper compensation for this wreck 

Verdict

3/10

Just Plain Bad

Max Payne 3 Review

Written By: Ice Cold Tabasco

After playing Alan Wake, it's rather refreshing to find a game that appreciates the platform it was brought into...

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After playing Alan Wake, it's rather refreshing to find a game that appreciates the platform it was brought into, being the PC, which is notorious for subpar console ports. Forcing anti aliasing and having a very limited graphics options menu does not equate to a great port. Reason being why I should gush over how buttery smooth Max Payne 3 ran on my rig, with its rather extensive graphics menu and fantastic optimization. You never really appreciate a good port until you run across a shit one.

Anyway, lets get down to business…

Fuck. You. Alan. Wake.

Theres a lot of good in Max Payne, and quite a bit of bad to compensate. One is something the franchise has never really been able to accomplish, being, having an engaging narrative. Max, finding himself in the crosshairs of a New Jersey mob boss, travels to Brazil with a man named Passos, promising tons of cash and escape from his current predicament. What ensues is, from what I’m able to muster from my playthrough was just a fuck ton of noise and bullshit. It’s standard action movie fair, with little creative flare. You’ll end up forgetting this the entire thing, along with its unique setting.

Forgetting my two sentence limerick, I like Passos. He’s a funny guy and always has your back in the middle of a fire fight. But everyone else are simply cardboard cutouts, completely two dimensional with zero personality. Whenever someone is killed off, you don’t really give a flying fuck. You just want you mate to stop crying so you can move onto the next shootout.

That’s another issue, as Max Payne 3 seems to fall into this cycle of moving from shooting gallery to shooting gallery. While, yes, that pretty much describes every single FPS in existence, they at least offer engaging combat mechanics and enemy variety to compensate. While bullet time remedies the issue slightly, a dude with a gun is virtually the only dude you're going to kill. Still, it retains tension and is engaging with the bullet time (effectively slowmo) mechanic, which is a godsend in hotter fire fights. Longer play sessions will tend to get grindy and feel as if Paul W. S. Anderson was behind development.

It's quite the visual spectacle as well.

Going with the theme of combat, the gun-play is fan-FUCKING-tastic. Whether it be magnum, pistol, shotgun or assault rifle, every round expended has kick and power. When you clear a room of enemies, you can’t help but feel like god. Contributing to this is the expertly balanced difficulty here. Powering through on Hard Mode, I couldn't help but feel a sort of Dark Soul’s type of challenge in which it is completely fair and challenging. If you die, you died because of you, only amplifying the euphoria of victory.

Now, using what I learned from Alan Wake, is that only animating a character models lower jaw and hiring the most inept voice actors does not lead to a satisfactory audial or visual experience. So, I feel I should note Max Payne 3 has some pretty good talent with is animators and voice actors, feeling very close to real thing. And NOT the atrocities that walk Bright Falls, with cold, unfeeling eyes. Expressionless faces and barely moving mouths, you can understand why Alan Wake was a horror (as well as learning) experience for developers.

Moving away from the mechanical aspects, the game looks fantastic. Its has a widely variant color palette, with bright colors and high contrast for sunny Brazil. To the drab brown and greys of a snow blanketed Hoboken, Max Payne 3 is quite the visual treat. You’ll often be left in awe at the detail that was carved into the world. Bullet impacts, soaked fabric, creasing cloth, and trash on city streets all contribute to the immersive side of the overall experience.

Definitely a looker.

Despite its forgettable story, characters, and shooting gallery mentality, Max Payne 3 is still an enjoyable experience. With tight gun-play, bullet time mechanic, and decent voice acting, I’d dare to say that Max Payne 3 is a pretty good game overall. Though, don’t expect much to think about when you set it down.

Verdict

7/10

Good